Solitude
by Cassie Winters
Summary: Rating is to be safe. Songfic. Nick POV. Feelings toward Sara for first three seasons maybe.


Solitude

Nick POV Songfic. My sorry attempt at angsty fanfiction. I wrote this a while ago, back in August. For those who have read my two WIPS, I apologize for not updating in months, but I can only write when something inspires me, and I just haven't had any motivation for those two but I plan on finishing them sometime. Also the song is Solitude by Evanescence.

Disclaimer: The characters of CSI do not belong to me, neither does the song Solitude. I do not make any money from this, it's just something for me to do when I am bored out of my mind. But I did change one little part of the line of the song to make it fit…but only a real Ev fan would notice. And if you get the chance, I recommend downloading the song. (Don't worry Evanescence wont sue you, they have given permission to download their old stuff that's not from their Fallen cd and it's not really owned by a record company so they won't sue you either. It's basically a demo song)

How many times have you told me you love him 

_As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth_

_How long have I stood here beside you_

Ever since Sara started working here, we have gotten along, been friends. Occasionally, we would hang out when it was possible to pry her away from her work. As time passed, I felt myself falling for her. I knew I shouldn't because she was my co-worker and good friend, but mostly, the biggest reason of all; she was in love with Grissom. It was obvious. The way she would talk about him or refer to him. You could see it. But Grissom didn't return those feelings, and that was obvious to everyone but Sara. But I didn't want to be the person to tell her that. I was, as corny as it may sound, her rock. The one constant in her life. Whenever she needed someone, I was there, to help her, to listen to her. Whatever she needed, I did my best to give it to her and keep my feelings hidden…And she never gave it a second thought.

_I live through you_

You looked through me 

I remember when Sara called me after her case where she tried to print the radiator cap. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, my heart skipped a beat. She wanted to do something, and I was the one she called. But of course she called me. Who else would she have called? Certainly not Grissom. He had less of a life outside of the lab than she did. As much as I tried to convince myself that this call didn't really mean anything, it still gave my heart a little glimmer of hope. Hope that maybe Sara was beginning to see me as more than a friend, b that hope was short lived. It's the same thing over and over each time…but I just can't seem to stay away.

_Oh, solitude_

_Still with me, is only you_

_Oh, solitude_

_I can't stay away from you_

_How many times have I done this to myself_

_How long will it take before I see_

Every morning, before I go to sleep, I tell myself I'll get over her, move on. I put my foot down and convince myself I'll follow through with my "No-More-Than-Platonic-Love-For-Sara" plan. And every night when I go to work and see her, that resolute plan shatters into a million pieces; much like my heart, every time she tells me how Grissom did this and Grissom did that and he rejected her. Although I cherish the time I get to spend with her, I feel slightly more crushed after she leaves to go home and dream of Grissom.

_When will this whole in my heart be mended_

_Who now is left alone but me_

_Oh solitude_

_Forever me and forever you_

_Oh, solitude_

_Only you, only truth_

_Everyone leaves me stranded_

_Forgotten, abandoned, left behind_

_I can't stay here another night_

But none of this is really new to me. I guess, I mean, I've always been "Dependable Nick". Whenever someone needed someone to listen or help them out, I was there. I was even the designated driver in high school. I didn't mind too much with things like that, but when it came to the girls…that one hurt a lot and it still does. The girl I would love would only see me as her best friend. That always hurt…but not as much as it does now. I want to settle down. I don't want to be remembered for my "womanizer" reputation I got in college. In a strange way, that was me coping and striking out against "Dependable Nick". I want to spend my life with one woman and one woman only. And that woman is Sara Sidle. As I look back now, I know. I know that I fell for her the first day I met her. How couldn't I? I was in denial for a while, but it dissolved. And as I lay here, remembering the past, contemplating the present, and dreaming about the future, I can only hope that Sara's blinders will drop away, just as my denial did. I'm just not sure I can wait here in solitude until it does.

_Your secret admirer_

_Who could it be_

_Oh, can't you see_

_All along it was me_

_How can you be so blind_

As to see right through me 

Maybe tomorrow I'll finally work up the courage to say something, anything coherent to make it clear and obvious to Sara that I love her. I've loved her since I first laid eyes on her and will love her until the day I die. It doesn't have to be suave or romantic, just as long as I say it. As long as I'm not in the same place as I am right now…

_And oh, solitude_

_Still with me is only you_

_Oh solitude_

_I can't stay away from you_

_Oh solitude_

_Forever me and forever you_

_Oh solitude_

_Only you, only truth_


End file.
